misconceptions,

the title has nothing to do with this post..misconceptions is just the part of my bio project that i'm on right now. i have linda's song stuck in my head. "i cannot hush..somethingsomethingsomething MUSH." i have to finish this project so i can look up the recipe for nicole's cookies.

gawsh. i wish i had been there last night. on the ride home. and waiting for the imaginary awards ceremony. those two places and that is it. i wanted to be there for kev and alyssa and nicole. nicole was soo busy trying to deal with larry that sometimes i think she judges herself too harshly. everyones all KUHBLEHBEH today. i wish there was more weekend. no, i don't agree that it went by fast. but it did go by. and i'm afraid that's how this next week will go by. i will look forward to musical because it is basically becoming my life but..awyssa and nicowwe won't be there. which makes me sad. last night i was down in the dumps. and the bumper sticker today described it perfectly. i SO look forward to having friends. when i'm not with people, i get paranoid. not sam or tom papadopalous paranoid likeASDFGHJKL; i just get *whimper* kuhblehbleh. *whimper* paranoid. they did that to me. ever since the end of eighth grade. i worry that i'm doing something wrong. or i'm going too far. or they honestly don't like me all that much. or that i'm lagging something along much longer than it needs to be. or i'm being TOO analytical. or TOO deep or TOO shallow or ...something like that.

and it's them. mostly her. she changed me that way. she made me forget how to be me. and now..i feel like such a floater. i float around and i be a friend. but do i have them? i can't tell when a person is being fake or real anymore. i can't tell if they mean it when they say that they love me. i can't tell if i look like i'm being over obsessive. but if i'm too timid. then i'm not me. i am not a timid person. i am shy though. there's a difference. people look at shy people and think QUIET. but me? i'm just afraid of judgment around people i don't really know. it's not even i'm only "me" and loud and such when i'm with my friends and that is all. it's that i feel awkward after i do something me-like or loud or semi-obnoxious because of the judgment. i hate those who judge. kinda weird considering i spend every weekend for 5 months straight being judged and ranked on my ability to do what most people fear more than snakes and death itself, right? not right. criticism i can take. being judged on something i have prepared to be judged on..i can take.
but judged on being me, when i don't even know who me is right now? that i can't take.

who am i? what have i done with me? what is comforting to me? imagining. imagining i am in england right now. in a small cafe/bookshop nobody really knows about. a light drizzle with a slight chance of sunshine is beckoning outside the window. i sit there and sip my drink and read a book. my phone buzzes, alerting me of a text. i casually flip it open and smirk. i dog-ear the book, shut it, stick it on the shelf the perfect distance away from my chair. i wave to the workers,all of whom i know by name and walk outside. i travel to the tube station where i catch a ride to a hidden artsy district. i walk past a bakery and smile inside as i take the lift next to it. i ride up, chatting with the man working the buttons and leave a $3.70 tip. as i always do. i enter a cozy, yet glamorous apartment. i shed my outer clothing to reveal a comfy sundress and cozy hand-made cardigan. i plop down on the couch and watch re-runs or movies with my friends. people who i know in my heart are going to be there for me. we watch and drink tea and make plans about staying in a castle for a month or so. we confirm our flight "home" to new york for the next day and confirm our flight home to the uk the following week.

is this real life?
no.
can it someday be?
i sure as heck hope so.