inclusion vs. exclusion

confusion. tears not coming to terms. gah. i'm jumping too fast. i don't know whether to slow down and sit back or leap in and enjoy the bumpy ride. i hate this. i despise right now. i dislike the reality that something is going so well and then BAM. alyssa texted me a couple days ago, "your train of thought just crashed coming out of the station." yeah well. my life just crashed coming out of the station. 4 more notecards to do for bio. i'm a mess. i want everyone to be asleep already. so i could bundle up, sit on the front porch and relax. but thinking. gee. that's a hard one. it's one of those times i really don't want to think. just because, i'm so NOTSURE about my life right now. i don't have the right things to say anymore. i don't know when i'm being too analytical or too young or too out-of-place. there is no comfort. i'm a mess. we were talking about the giver at movie night on friday. pause. am i allowed to call in movie night? am i PART of that? am i at a liberty to delve into these people's lives? was i initiated? what HAPPENED?! unpause i guess. i was the only one, i believe, who wanted to be the giver. i was the only one who wanted to carry the weight of that on my shoulders. and i'm trying to look inside myself to see if that's true. and it is. i wouldn't want to be that black and white person. the same. the same as everyone else. no thoughts. no feelings. i would rather have nobody to love, than not even have the capability of loving them. i would rather have no one but myself to imagine with then look forward to the age when i get to take the ribbons out of my hair. i would rather be stuck with no one believing me if i said anything, than having nothing to believe in. i don't think people know how much it sucks. people ask and i say,"we stopped talking. i don't really know what happened." and they don't understand how hard is it not knowing what happened. sure i know that she has done this before. i know that. but it can't be the same. i'm not him. we stopped being friends with him because he drank, and wouldn't listen and didn't care about..anyone. but i'm straight-edge. i try to listen and sometimes i talk too much sure but i was ALWAYS there for you. i will ALWAYS be there. and i care. i care too much and that's my problem. i care and i don't know how to measure if a person cares for me. this blog has been so fake. except for hiawatha. because hiawatha can never be fake. gahh. my train of thought is trailing. i left it at the begin. i left it with my hurting heart.
linda says i'm a hypochondriac. i'm not,really. except when it comes to times like this. because i swear on all my worldly possessions that my heart hurts right now. why can't things be simple? or why, like in the giver, can't everyone else be simple? and i be complicated? because people don't relate to me. i try to be relatable and it just doesn't work sometimes. but other people are complicated too. and that creates doubt. it's the worst. i hate doubt. it fills my heart, mind,soul. it's full of doubt. inclusion versus exclusion. doubt.doubt.doubt. i find so much comfort in movies and books. because there is no doubt. larry brought up "where the red fern grows." the dogs die. there is no doubt in death. i read the book and there was no doubt. sure the boy would be upset, because those dogs had significance. things that don't have significance should not be things at all. there should be no doubt.
inclusion versus exclusion. will someone...anyone? just wipe away the doubt?